Friday, June 23, 2006

The post that changed

Hi there. This was supposed to be a post about meeting Miriam for knitting and coffee and pancakes and the nice book I found in a second hand shop and Gerhard and his wool and the self help group and the socks and scarf I finished and how the socks went from "WOW thanks MOM" to "MOM I can't find one" in the space of a few moments. Thankfully the sock did not vanish into the black hole that is my lounge, it was under Michael's Magic file.

Then I went blog cruising and found THIS post at Crazy Aunt Purl's blog.

Boy that sent me off over the edge of the self-pity wagon. Doesn't help that the 29th of June, in addition to being Gina's birthday, is the 6th anniversary of my divorce. Doesn't help that I, maths geek that I am, does the sums and works out that I have now been divorced for 2/3 as long as I was married. Doesn't help that I KNOW that I am better off without him, happier without him, and much better than he deserved in the first place. I still remember getting dumped the day Jackie was due, because in all the years we'd been together I hadn't changed into the person HE wanted me to change into, going to pieces while he carried on with his life as if nothing had happened, finding out after he killed himself (November 2004 - just in time for Christmas - his timing was ALWAYS impeccable) just how little time it took him to replace me, and finding out that he'd probably been cheating on me all the time we were married, I was just too trusting and STUPID to notice.

Most of me is moving on. Hell, all of me was ready to go out and hit the dating game pretty much around the time he offed himself, which put paid to all that, at least till the kids move out of the house or the little one grows up enough to realise that not EVERY unattached male who walks through the door is her "New Daddy".

There's just a little bit of me that feels expendable and discarded and unwanted and that nobody ever wanted to be with me.

The rest of me will go buy it some wool and maybe a book or three and chocolate - LOTS OF CHOCOLATE.


Gina said...

Buy loads of wool.. and a whole batch of chocolate!!!! And lets just celebrate! Its my birthday!!!!!

nrrdgrrl said...

so um, what post on whose blog pulled all this out in the open..? i mean, that must be something!
ps: never forget that you *are* loved and cherished. it may not always look like that. but you are.

Jayne said...

OK - I am a twit - I thought I'd added the link but either blogger lies or I didn't. It's all fixed now.


laurie said...

I had a birthday party on Saturday night, just a few very close friends. Most of the night I was silent about the whole he-is-married debacle, and then after 2.25 bottles of wine and God only knows how many hours of it gnawing away inside me, I finally started talking and it came out, and I'm not 'over it' (what does that mean anyway?) and I'm not handling it particularly well, to be honest, mostly I'm stuck on Anger, because he effing registered for gifts, walked down the aisle, said I love you forever to another woman.

One month after our divorce.

But I think there's an expectation about divorce, that we should move on, get as far from loss and pain as possible, flee the scene of the emotional wreck.

Me, I'm in the messy parts still. Yesterday I sat on the sofa and watched 10 p.m. turn into 11 p.m. turn into midnight, and wondered why I was alone with no one to love on while he was playing house with WIFE number two. Feh. It happens.

It's OK to be messy for as long as you need. I plan to do it, too. I just don't write about it all the time lest I get more hate mail about what a whiner I am ;)

Sorry for the novel.